Monday, December 31, 2012

A Jerry Curl review of 2012

[Editor’s note] Reflecting on past experiences is always a tricky business. Trying to figure out why you did the things you did is never easy and learning something from those things is always not a little painful. But that’s the point of self-reflection: to avoid repeating the pitfalls of the past.

My 2012 was better than most. I graduated from college, got a new job and the new iPhone. I met Patti Smith and Chaz Bono. I saw Lenny Kravitz, Elton John, Liza Minnelli, Neil Diamond, and Madonna in concert. Unfortunately, I never wrote about some of those concerts... My Vinylmation collection swelled to number in the triple digits. And I met a boy that I feel both privileged and lucky to know and love.

Still, I suppose the overarching theme for my 2012 was that of inaction. I didn’t do anything productive this year. That's to say, productive in the ways that adults typically consider important like traveling or moving out or saving money. I spent the last twelve months living day to day in a sort of unbreachable cycle of mundane routine. It was a year completely absent of forward thinking or planning. So many of my days this year were exactly the same-- too many.

If I were being honest with myself, I would say that the inaction of this year was largely due to fear. I have been scared of reaching for a better future and coming up short. I have been afraid of failing to achieve a future that I’ve put so much hope and thought into. Sometimes it’s easier to live with the what-ifs than the what-nows.

But there also comes a point in everyone’s life where the fear of the unknown is outweighed by a pressing need to escape the confines of that fear.

I’m tired of being the kind of person that sticks out in this town. I’m tired of trying to explain to others why I’m not where I think I should be. I’m tired of my parents and I’m tired of being a 27 year old kid. But more than anything, I’m tired of not living up to my potential.

I’m ready to try. I’m ready for the challenges that lay ahead. I’m ready to deal with the failures rather than run away from them. I’m ready to live my life the way I’ve always planned it to be. I’m ready to settle down somewhere amazing, while doing something amazing, with the amazing person I love. 
Ultimately, I’m ready to be the kind of person that I hoped I’d be by now.

1 comment:

APcreative said...

Just saw this. You gave me chills reading it because so many of the same feelings I have about myself and my year you nailed.

And as someone who has been here(down the street lol)I have been experiencing and watching much like you have with me, the last few years of each of our lives.

I think we both have reached a point where the fear of coming up short on our dreams has def been outweighed by the fear of doing nothing and never reaching anything period.

You know I am always soul searching, sometimes I make rash decisions based of emotions that really just need time to sort out.

But 2012 opened my eyes to so many things.

A large chunk of me wants to be frustrated over how long this kind of self knowledge took to settle in my consciousness but I know that would be a waste of energy.

So instead, I like you welcome the next step...whether I trip and fall on them. I'm ready to start walking up.

Love this point, and you know I Love and Adore you. So happy for how your life is going lately. I see and feel your happiness and have sensed a shift and change in you.

Amazing how the relationship cynic has a sparkle in his eye now...who would'a thought?