Make Jerry Curl Great Again
You can't consider yourself a writer if you don't write.
In recent years, I have probably said those words to myself so often that they could be considered a mantra; a mantra that I don't want to embody but one that is nonetheless true.
I don't write anymore. I don't write to faraway friends. I don't write to remember. I don't write for pleasure. I don't write for release. I don't even Tweet.
At a recent job interview (for another job I didn't really want), I was asked what I would do for a living if I could do anything. Without even thinking about it, I said I would be a writer. But that was a stock answer. It's the answer I've always given to that question. But this time the answer felt phony. It felt forced. It didn't feel like me anymore.
The real, ugly, scary truth is that I don't know if I still got the right stuff to be the writer I wanted to be. While I have always questioned the validity of my own voice (my place in the world of opinions), I have never before questioned my abilities to provide that voice. Am I even a good writer? While some may argue that I never had the ability in the first place, this feeling is brand-spankin' new to me.
This is not to say that I'm now devoid of thoughts and opinions-- because those have only strengthened with age. But self-doubt has made me more introspective than I used to be. Because I can't articulate my feelings in written form, I turn inward and don't share my feelings at all. Which then obviously reinforces the self-doubt. It's a vicious cycle to be sure, but a drug-free one I'm happy to report.
Reasons for this writer's self-doubt abound. It could very well be that I don't fit into this age of rapid fire,
Another issue I face these days is social media burnout. Like so many, I am connected to everything and nothing all at once. I follow all sorts of people who are interested in my interests; plants, books, toys, and boys. There are no holes in our digital landscape. So many people are doing and saying things about every single THING on the internet (and some even doing it exceptionally well), that I wonder how and where I can possibly plug in.
And that's to say nothing of our increased focus on the visual vs. written forms of expression. How can I write about anything that hasn't already been Snapped or Instagrammed? Creating content in six seconds or less goes back to my first point: I AM NOT CONCISE.
It's for these reasons (and so many more that remain unspoken or inarticulated) that I can no longer consider myself a writer. You can't be writer if you are so crippled by fear and doubt that you don't write. And I don't write anymore.
But this felt like a great release. And maybe a new start.
Comments